I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids