@InternetHippo

I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had

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@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@robfee

Dang girl are you the old lady from Up, because I’ve only been here for like 5 minutes and you’re already gone.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@DanMentos

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@Jamberee13

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.