@InternetHippo

I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had

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@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

@MavenofHonor

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

@SortaBad

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@IvoryGazelle

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@Reverend_Scott

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.