I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.