Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.