I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?