I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
LOOOOOOL
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.