Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Math at Halloween.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.