I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad