I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one