I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
That de-escalated quickly
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
