Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in loser we’re going crying

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Lmao

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

😭😭

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves