Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

the zen of frog

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?