Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

This hospital has everything

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

every college guy’s fridge

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna