I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
doing some research
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri