I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
plant them where lol
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.