I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*