Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.