Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Note to self: I am a note

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?