“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
birds and squirrels envy us
