@wolfmannjr

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

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@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”

@JaneTempke

Simon Cowell went to the bank but couldn’t get served as he’d lost his wallet, and with it all his I.D.

Brainwave! He went back to his studio, returning with JLS and Olly Murs as proof of identity.

Two X-Factor authentication.

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

@MarieColette

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

@ElgatoEsmio

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

@WilliamRodgers

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

@Stap_Jr

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?