I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You Might Also Like
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
When I laugh on my period
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti