I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Extremely relatable.
![]()
![]()
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
![]()
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?![]()
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!