I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
😂🤣😂🤣
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.