I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
You Might Also Like
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
How to woo a woman
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.