I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.