Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

The Backseat Boys

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.