Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

🖤✌🏽

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

yeah not falling for this one

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Spotted in New Orleans.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.