i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”