i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.