Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.