I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried