I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes