Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

#TopTip

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.