Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon