I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
the world’s most popular steaming services
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
