I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Previously On Persistence 😎
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
