I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
