I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life