I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?