I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
what kind of cook setting is this??
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
what?
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.