I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.