Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps