Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.