Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?