Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.