I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Natural selection at its finest
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?