Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

This will teach them to underestimate me

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Sunday

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space