Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Breaking news:

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!