I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
FINE, I WON’T.
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.