I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.