I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.