i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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we all know this pain all too well
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”