i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}