I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
You Might Also Like
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
