I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Why is this me 😫
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.