I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
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deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Still cracks me up
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
#oldknees
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
is it earth
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.