I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
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Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half