I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I want this so bad
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.