I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.