I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You Might Also Like
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.