I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
A male goth is called a broth.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.