Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.