Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

subtitles are so good nowadays

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free