I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
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Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.