Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.