I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
