Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Overindulged this afternoon.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.