Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Limited budget

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

thanksgiving in nutshell

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.