Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Have kids, they said

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport