I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.