I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.