I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
titanic
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.